The Weight and Size Issue

Can someone give me a VALID reason why society is still obsessed with women's sizes?  It breaks my heart that I have friends who believe they need to be a certain size or weight to be happy, or to feel attractive, or for their significant other to love them.  What breaks my heart even more is that I am almost to the point of allowing myself to become one of them.

I have struggled with my weight since my teenage years.  I was an early bloomer and at the age of 15, not many people would have believed I was only 15, if you catch my drift.  To be perfectly honest with you, I can look at pictures of myself from back then and think, "Wow, I had a rockin' body!" Of course, at the time, I was too young to have a "rockin' body," but still...here's the worst part -  because a bunch of girls in high school were stick-then, I thought I was fat the whole time.    I was a size 9 and roughly 130 pounds, and I thought I was fat when I was actually perfectly healthy!!! 

Flash forward XX years (ha ha), and I can ALMOST put myself in the same position all over again.  I am currently overweight, especially for my height.  But truthfully, I no longer believe I am "fat" from an objective standpoint. But I FEEL like I am fat, which makes me believe it sujectively!  Does anyone know what I mean there?  According to published reports, I am perfectly average (size 12/14).  But I sure don't feel average.  I feel fat.  I suppose it doesn't help that many of my friends are smaller than me.  Thing is....some of them probably don't weigh anymore than I do, but they're taller and more lean than I am, and that makes a big difference.  But I also have friends who are larger than me, and I don't even give it a second thought when I think about them.  It's only ME that I judge because I feel like I am being judged by others. 

I'm so tired of trying to find a "diet" that works to help me lose weight.  I eat well-balanced meals, and I rarely over-indulge.  I truly make healthy choices most of the time.  But I constantly feel the need to defend my eating habits.  Well, here's something I won't defend - I refuse to give up certain foods that I enjoy in moderation for the rest of my life for the sake of trying to get skinny.  Hell, I don't even WANT to be skinny!  I just want to be happy, and this is the ONE thing in my life that keeps me from being happy.  My "perfectly average" size makes me feel inadequate, especially when I'm at the gym trying to become more healthy and fit!  Oh boy, let's define irony, shall we?

So....why the obsession?  Still?  After all these years?  Even Hollywood has embraced full-figured women, and they are some of the most beautiful women I have seen.  Look at Jill Scott or Queen Latifah or Sara Ramirez and tell me they aren't gorgeous!  So why is it that we regular "girls next door" who carry extra weight feel that we must compare ourselves to our thinner peers?  Why are we judged on our size?  And please don't tell me we aren't.

I want to let this go.  Believe me, I do.  My husband loves me AND my body.  He doesn't want a thing to change.  I don't have anybody to impress.  Except myself...and that bitch is hard to satisfy.